7 Ways to Enjoy Finals

by / 2 Comments / 212 View / December 14, 2014

With the end of the semester quickly approaching, I know you’re looking at your planner with dread, wondering how you’ll ever finish three papers, study for five finals, and attend every single event with free food on campus.

But finals don’t have to be a time of panic/dread/sending frantic emails to your professors asking for repentance about office hours, they can be fun!

1) Brag to your friends about how much you have to study.

In the academic meritocracy that permeates every aspect of your life, you just don’t have to be the best—you have to convince everyone else of your holiness too. What better way to do that than to brag about how much studying you have to do? Oh, and bonus points if you intersperse your dull dining hall conversations with obscure references to things you’ve learned about in class like the hippocampus, Malcolm Gladwell, and horizontal-hostility.

 

2) Sleep with a textbook under your pillow.

Science shows that if you try to sleep with a textbook under your pillow, it will be UNCOMFORTABLE. And you will probably not sleep. But that’s okay, because SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK. Instead of sleeping, spend all of that time studying for your Calculus final, even though your grade was doomed on the first day of class.

 

3) Have a study party.

And invite your RA!

 

4) Make a Political Statement by going on a Hunger Strike.

Get involved in local politics, campus politics, national politics, or the social politics of being politically correct by going on a Hunger Strike in protest of something you don’t even agree with. Don’t agree with the fact that your college requires you to take a “diversity” class? Protest it. Nobody actually needs cardboard pizza from the dining hall to soothe the existential dread that they feel when they look at their grades. Again, bonus points if you protest your actual midterms.

 

5) Go out of your way to quote Plato or Nietzsche in a final paper.

Climb up one more rung of the academic meritocracy by quoting a long-dead philosopher as the opening credo to your final research paper for your Econ or PolySci paper. Your highfalutin professor will be very receptive to your efforts to seem hip and well read. Guaranteed.

 

6) Catch the flu.

What would you rather catch during finals week, Pokemon, or the flu? With upwards of 300 people possibly living in your dorm building, and the fact that Pokemon probably don’t exist, catching the flu will be your most entertaining bet.

 

7) Actually, in all reality: realize that your grades don’t matter as much as you probably think they do.

After all, in the words of your fellow friends, (but definitely not your academic  advisor)—C’s Get Degrees

 

 

/Satire/

  • LOL WHAT

    I was gonna be like “damn this person is sadistic” until I saw that last line. I feel dumb now.

  • Kate

    this is cruel