Passover, the Jewish holiday celebrating the exodus out of Egypt, is coming up soon. It is traditional for Jewish people to abstain from eating anything that has leaven—anything that rises, like bread, pasta, etc.—also referred to as “hametz.” This means that the main carbohydrate able to be consumed during Passover is the unleavened bread called “matzo,” usually made of only flour and water. However, after years of Jews complaining about the lack of taste characteristic of matzo, matzo-manufacturing companies have stepped up to create a new line of flavored matzo.
Sure, there’s egg matzo and chocolate-covered matzo, but hitting the shelves this Passover season are a few new variations as well: rosemary and olive oil, cheddar cheese, and (for the kids) Cool Ranch Doritos. Finally, no longer will people have to complain about the lack of carb-y goodness during the weeklong holiday. Spread some tomato sauce and cheese on the rosemary and olive oil-flavored matzo, and you’ve got a nice little personal pizza. Crumble up a cheese-flavored sheet of matzo, and you’ve got the equivalent of Cheez-Its. Sad you can’t go to Taco Bell and get some Doritos Locos Tacos? Well, now you can put some taco fillings inside of some Doritos matzos and have yourself a sedar fit for the 21st century!
Manufacturers are hoping this new matzo will catch on so well that Jews and non-Jews alike will want to eat it year-round so grocery stores can stop putting out the leftover boxes of matzo from five years ago. Said one grocery worker, “Yeah, we keep all the matzo stored in the back. It never sells out, and no one buys it except for when they absolutely have to. Maybe we’ll actually be able to get rid of the last of it this year. You can’t tell the difference between fresh and stale matzo, anyway.”
We also asked some people on the street what they thought about this new endeavor. Here are some of the responses we received:
“Doritos? Did they like, make the Doritos into matzo, or the matzo into Doritos?” – My next-door neighbor, whose eyes were very red when I asked. I think he’d been crying?
“Finally, my Jewish and Italian relatives will have something to agree on: how bad that rosemary and olive oil matzo is going to taste. Kvetching all night.” – My friend, Alonzo Goldstein.
“I don’t think the Jews were carrying cheese with them when they crossed the Red Sea.” -The local Rabbi.
“Is it gluten-free?” – Someone in my class who’s from Los Angeles.
It seems like there are some mixed reviews. The real tell will be in a couple of weeks, when Passover kicks into high gear. It’s likely to be more of a hit with the younger generations that are sick of spreading horseradish onto the matzo to burn the heck out of their tongues so they can’t taste the cardboard-flavored whole wheat matzo their mom bought because it was “healthier.” Either way, it certainly can’t taste worse, can it?